You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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