After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
