I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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