WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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