she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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