there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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