You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
