Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
