I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i out mim tonsoeep
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