the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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