He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
