): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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