good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
