You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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