I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
