College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
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Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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