It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
