life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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