i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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