I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
