My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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