even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
