I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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