I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
