I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
