the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
