I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
