Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
