I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drake has all the answers
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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