vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
