he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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