Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
