I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
