sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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