She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
