Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You ruined the universe
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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