i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
