I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
