so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
