i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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