You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we should paint friendship bongs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
