i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
