i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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