new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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