It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
