I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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