i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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