Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
