i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
