Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She bit a glass in half.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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