Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
