my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
