his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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