OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
