She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Vodka?
Forever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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