May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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