ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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