I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
