I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
