i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Randomize
