just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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