did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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