420 ftw
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
